I don't like the lack of sun. I don't like being sick. I don't like stupid nonsense drama.
I like plenty of light. I like feeling well. I like life being relatively stress free and just going with the flow.
I don't really know what it is but when I get sick all hell seems to break loose. That's the thing with this living situation that's just so damn rough from time to time. I realize that in some ways I have the ideal situation...in a lot of other ways it is less than ideal in that respect.
Friday I was horribly ill, so ill that my butt ended up in the emergency room in severe amounts of pain thinking that at any moment they were going to announce that they needed to remove my appendix. Turned out to be a nasty case of cholitis. I felt better yesterday but nowhere near 'well'. Still it didn't really matter, I suppose I was well enough to return to doing all the cleaning and on and on.
It didn't matter that I was still very dazed from the pills to help keep me out of pain or that my stomach was still somewhat reeling, I should hop to it and take over all responsibility. I sometimes wonder when it's allowable for me to occasionally be sick?
My butt did get chewed out a couple of times by the one person who seemed to realize that I was in fact still SICK for doing to much. I guess it's hard realize without being here that if everything gets completely out of control for a time that not only will it still be my responsibility to take care of it...I only then just get to listen to a constant barrage of crap over it. That's where I'm saying that I am not a fan of nonsensical drama. It gets very old very fast and I'm definitely NOT a fan of any of it. Even still, that is what I have to deal with at the present so I may as well suck it up and get used to it.
One day it won't be like this and so I just hold on to that as much as possible.
The biggest stress right now though is Si. This environment just doesn't work so well with his personality. He's such a sensitive kid who responds to stimuli intensely. It's too much for him.
It's just been rough the last few weeks and he's been in overdrive. There have been changes in the routine and although he likes the changes...they are still changes. He doesn't like change at all on a very deep subconscious level. I suppose that goes back to everything that happened to him when he was just a little bug where he feels like he has to be in control of any given situation. So, he's been responding in a way that isn't that great. Even still a lot of it may be brought about just by the sheer fact that my father lets him do any damn thing he wants to do. He feeds on that and goes with it...then applies that to EVERYONE.
Syd has been a little high on the drama scale the last two days. I realize the reasoning and it does break my heart for her. I've been there wondering if my father just didn't love me anymore. Once again, she's not heard anything from him for quite some time and when she calls she gets no response, she gets no call back, she gets nothing. I have given up thinking he'll ever grow up and be a man and a father to these two children.
It's tough because he stays out of their lives to the point where they start to finally be at peace with it and the wounds start to heal. Then he pops back up with the promises and all like that, getting hopes up and of course keeps it up for a little while and then goes back to the same thing. It's a constant emotional roller coaster for them, especially Syd. That's when I get pissed off. I used to try to talk to him about this and would always basically be told I'm making it up. Of course, the oldest child couldn't feel like you don't care when you rarely make time for her...she's not smart enough to think of anything like that. He's great at playing a part for a time, then it's always back to the same old same old...and you can't explain that to a child. All you can do is hold her and tell her, "I love you and I will never abandon you...ever."
Something Changed
Pulp-Different Class
I wrote the song two hours before we met.
I didn't know your name or what you looked like yet.
Oh I could have stayed at home and gone to bed.
I could have gone to see a film instead.
You might have changed your mind and seen your friends
Life could have been very different then but
something changed.
Do you believe that there's someone up above?
Does he have a timetable direccts of love?
Why did I write this song on that day?
Why did you touch my hand and softly say.
Stop asking questions that don't matter anyway.
Just give us a kiss to celebrate here today something changed.
When we woke up that morning we had no way of knowing
That in a matter of hours we'd change the way we were going.
Where would I be now if we'd never met.
Would I be singing this song to someone else instead I dunno
But like you said something changed.
Boise, ID
I will say this is especially true since the divorce. Truthfully speaking though, it's probably saved me some headaches and heartaches. Being one of those silly hopeless romantics can really kind of be a double edged sword in that many times it is not appreciated and nurtured. So yeah, not allowing some silly romantic inclinations has probably been good for me in a lot of respects. None of those guys were worth me ending up all melancholy and mopey over in the end...so they just didn't get the whole "Danielle is going to immerse herself in this and give completely in this at this point." That was actually a smart plan on my part. I can be far too stubborn when it comes to relationships and not letting go if I really need to. Seven years of marriage to someone who I was massively not happy with after one year and knowing within months I got married for all the wrong reasons is proof of that. At least the positive part in that is that it goes to show I don't give up easily and I do try to work on the issues.
So yeah, this conversation did resonate on two levels. One being the personal life when it comes to interpersonal relationships and one being in my art.
That's when I got into photography and sculpture. Neither of my brothers had really had an interest in those artistic outlets and so it was MINE. I did excel in photography. I won awards and I developed an eye for it. I went to school for awhile specifically for photography and was good enough that I was bumped out of the beginning classes. In the end, that school was all about commercial photography and really discouraged creativity and I couldn't take it. The fact that the area sucked me dry of all of my creative juices didn't help either. I didn't want my love of photography ruined and add to that the fact that I still wasn't fully over the death of my mentor...well it wasn't the right time.
Several months ago the fire was back for photography and I got my DSLR. Though I'm still feeling my way back into rediscovering my talent there I'm definitely moving in that direction. I sent a link to one of my instructors last week to my flickr. We talked Monday about it and I got that validation I really needed. I've always wanted to do the art photography with some photojournalism thrown in. Photojournalism can and is very arty if you ask me. He told me, "YOU are a PHOTOGRAPHER! You're not someone taking pictures, you are definitely a photographer. That is some wonderful work, thank you for sharing it with me." That really made me feel good.
So where else did this resonate with me? Well to be honest this was all brought up in a conversation with Jenn about a recent relationship. The biggest part of me has said from the beginning "this just feels right." Then that rational part of my brain kicked in, the analytical side started giving me shit. It started telling me, "You dumbass, you're letting yourself get carried away with your stupid romantic bullshit ideals. Back the fuck down." Then again...that analytical part of my brain just seemed wrong and full of crap to be quite honest. So I asked a couple of close friends, friends I have known for 8 years now...most I haven't met in person (Jenn is one of the only exceptions there) and they all just gave me the verbal ass kicking I needed saying...'You aren't crazy. If this feels right then GO WITH IT and don't question it. It does actually happen from time to time. Sometimes you are really lucky enough to find that one person with whom everything is right and it just works.'
I think it helps that over the summer I sat and thought about past relationships and what the big issue was. One was that I was "looking" for something. I was still looking to fill a hole that I had. I finally took my own advice and stopped "looking" to fill that void and filled it myself. I wasn't lonely any more. I realized that things really weren't that bad, things were pretty good in the grand scheme of things. I'm a good person, I have a lot of amazing qualities that I personally like about myself. I have great kids and we have our ups and our downs...the ups vastly outweigh the downs. I became happy with my own company, I found a contentment there. I finally just said, "it will happen when it happens." I quit looking, I quit thinking about being lonely and realized...I am loved. I am loved by many people who would actually give a shit if I left this world tomorrow.
Alright, apologies all around. I had written a rather lengthy post about the trip in August to New Orleans but it was eaten at the last minute. Since then school has begun and life as I know it got insanely busy. So I decided what I will do is just post some photo's with captions....
Enjoy
Jackson Square
I'd read about New Orleans for years in various stories and books. Of course it's difficult to speak of the French Quarter without speaking of Jackson Square. I don't think photos really do it justice because after all, it is beautiful and full of life. Artists and performers all making a buck and doing what they love. It has a flavor and character like no other I've been around in my life.
Jazz Musician
The artists and performers were out and it was just quite lovely. I'm used to street musicians but I'm also used to it being hippies with drums and the occasion guitar. I'm not going to lie, they're annoying. That's all together different from the beautiful jazz that filled my ears and made me smile. We'd actually sat and listened to this trio while eating at Cafe Du Monde the previous day and were delighted to see them performing again, they were great.
This was where we ended up staying in the quarter. It was beautiful inside and out. What you don't see is the lovely courtyard, beautiful rooms and staff decked out in black and white to just top it off. I was so happy that we decided to stay in the city and that the people at the visitors center gave us such an amazing deal. What was normally a room going for about $130 a night; we got our room for $50 plus free parking. Definitely go to the visitors center if you're going to stay in the French Quarter and ask them for their hotel offers.
Saint Louis #1
The only of the 'cities of the dead' we had time to visit. Unfortunately when we got there it wasn't the best time f day for photography and we were beyond baking in the sun. Still, the quiet beauty in the decaying tombs is definitely something to check out. Winding through was like a maze of crumbling history, which I for one love.
Call me morbid but I love a good cemetery. Aesthetically speaking, the older, the better in my opinion.
Another of the Saint Louis #1 Cemetery
Famed voodoo queen Marie Laveau's tomb.
These were absolutely mouth waveringly DELICIOUS. I was told by I don't know how many people that we absolutely MUST try these and oh man, I'm so glad we did. I was expecting fancy high dollar coffee shop prices but three of these huge things were under $2.00. Ooooh so good.
Old Man crossing the street
There's really not much to this photograph other than I just loved this old man by the crumbling building all decked out. Classic.
Saint Louis Cathedral
I'll be honest, the inside was just spectacularly beautiful. The stained class, the painted ceiling...just as gorgeous inside as it is outside.
Mr. Bojangles
That's what I think of when I see this photograph. We met this guy when we first got to Jackson Square. He just started talking to us, telling us stories of his travels and his life. He was fascinating in both personality and the character on his face. Earlier I'd asked him if it was alright to take his photograph.
Later in the day we ran back into him playing the broom with his grandson's jazz trio. He was so happy and chatting it up with the kids. Syd was hot so he took her into a cafe and got them to give her some water. He was just a gem. Maybe other's will think I'm insane but really, he MADE the trip.
Biloxi Beach
Syd had never been to a real beach. That's what started this whole thing. My nephew was down and had been bragging about getting to go to the beach in a few weeks. My former sister in law finally just told me (after much pouting) that she was covering gas and a room so if we wanted to tag along for a quick trip...we were welcome to.
Syd was ecstatic and oh so happy to finally get to go. Her first taste of waves, of sea life and the taste of saltwater in the mouth. She loved it. We found little crabs, shells, a dead sea turtle and jellyfish. Not too much beats that for a young kid.
Little feet playing in the sand
The contentment of a little girl
Playtime at dusk
The moon rising over Biloxi Beach.
I had to capture it. It was so big, beautiful and orange. It cast the perfect light and atmosphere for what had just been a pretty perfect afternoon and evening.
A storm rolling in over the Lousianna Bayou
When we were driving from New Orleans to Biloxi there were tremdous fluffy clouds. It was obvious that it was going to rain, the biggest question on the kids mind was "when and for how long?"
We did hit a shower for a good 15 or 20 minutes but then it stopped and took away the humidity.
A home on the Bayou
I can't remember exactly which lake this was (and I don't have the map on me right now). I loved the small stilt houses on the bayou. I probably wouldn't want to live in one but they were still a little slice of Americana that is great to see.
And that's all. Well that's not really ALL that I took...but a little slice. With that...I am off to find things to amuse me on this fine Friday evening.
Farewell and have a good weekend.
First I am going to talk about how this whole thing came about. My nephew was here visiting and several times he had mentioned to my daughter that he was going to the beach. This was to be part of his birthday gift. Of course Sydney wanted to go along and he was somewhat taunting her with it. When his mother came to pick him up, she asked me this..."Hey, I'm taking the kids to Corpus Christie to go to the beach. I'm already paying the gas/hotel so if you and Syd want to go along it'd be really fun." My mom agreed that we should go along and that she's watch Simon.
Well that seemed like some fun. We sat down and started trying to figure up a date to go. She was planning to go after her second pay period of the month but that was after school started. We talked about how long of a drive it would be and then the thought hit me...why not try to go to the beach in Mississippi. We looked up the time it'd take to drive and it was a little less and that's when we realized...New Orleans was right there...so why not take advantage of that. I've wanted to go to New Orleans ever since I was about 16. The week long wait was so long.
Finally the day was upon us. Syd and I had very little money to play with, just over 100$ but that wasn't going to stop us. For us it's more about seeing the sights and absorbing the area. Make no mistake, there is a lot to absorb in New Orleans without spending a huge amount of money.
We headed out around 9:30 pm on Tuesday the 4th of August. It was Sara and I and three kids, Sydney (8), Forrest (11) and Jasin (13). We were in for a looooong drive in one car with no air conditioning.
The first few hours went by super fast even though it felt like we were stopping in every town for bathroom breaks and whatnot. We kept encouraging the kids to just go on to sleep but no luck...everyone was far too excited.
The moon was nearly full which provided great ambient lighting for driving. It had an eerie feeling as well because you could make out scenery here and there way off into the distance without being able to quite make out what it was. bouncing in the car didn't stop me from trying to take long exposure shots of the road.
The kids were full of excitement and giddyness which made for a fun drive. It was also at times slightly maddning when we actually had to deal with things like "STOP TOUCHING ME!" Thankfully we didn't have to deal with the "are we there yet" because I know with mine, I prepared her that we were in for a looooong drive and would be driving basically all night.
Somewhere around 2 am we finally made it out of Arkansas and into Louisiana. I think from there it took us around 45 minutes to get to our halfway point...Shreveport.
Going through Shreveport was not a joy. First of all everyone needed to make a pit stop. Every place we stopped at had the inside all locked up. Everyone was on the verge of exploding bladders.
Shreveport is also where Google Maps failed us. Their directions seemed to skip a large portion (a couple hundred miles) of our route. That's lovely. We followed their directions to never see the highway in which it told us to get on. We finally were able to stop...everyone got some relief and we got a map. Well geez, it would seem we needed to take another highway south through Alexandria and hook up with the highway Google told us to get on several hundred miles south in Lafayette. No problem...we only wasted about 15 minutes total.
The map was also nice in that with various towns and whatnot we could have an idea of how far we had to go. We made it to Alexandria somewhere around 4 am. In the drive from Shreveport to Alexandria basically consisted of us begging the kids to get some sleep. We even went so far as to pop in Sigor Ros for a good hour or so hoping that would lull the kids to sleep. Syd finally fell asleep but as soon as we stopped in Alexandria for a fill up she was wide awake again.
By this time the adults were running on fumes as well. Now you must remember, I woke up at 8 am ready to go and full of energy. Sara had worked from 10-5 on Tuesday and then run errands before we left. By 4 am we were running on Red Bull and coffee to say the least.
Dawn did bring a new wind for awhile and we were able to push on for a bit. What was surprising was that by the time we did get to Lafayette it was not near as far to Baton Rouge as how it appeared on the map. Of course just as Sara had decided "as soon as we get to the next turn off we're pulling over and I'm taking a short 30 minute nap" we realized we were on what felt like a never ending bridge.
The neverending bridge was over Henderson Swamp. I might be a little crazed or whatever but I thought it was very pretty. The kids were all kinds of excited trying to look for gators in the water. Please note that when you're driving nearly 70 miles per hour on a big bridge that goes on forever and ever you're likely not to see any gators in the water. That didn't stop the kids from swearing that they saw one here or there.
As I previously said, by this time Sara had been driving for hours on no sleep and she was about to die of sleep deprivation. It was one of those times that the never ending bridge needed to end soon so this woman could get a bit of sleep. Not to mention everyone needed a pit stop. Thankfully the bridge did finally come to an end and we found a huge truck stop...with a tiger.
We all got a bit of a rest at the truck stop though. Sara kicked her seat back and fell fast asleep. We all decided to take advantage of the time and changed our clothes, put on sunscreen...I put on makeup for some odd reason (I think it was mostly gone before we got on the road). I pulled out some food for the kids to have a bit of breakfast and we all stretched our legs for awhile.
After about 30 minutes Sara woke up (probably from the heat) and decided to do herself a favor and go ahead and change and get ready. We weren't quite an hour from New Orleans at this point (at least it didn't seem like it). It was maybe an hour...but I want to say something like 50 miles.
Of course on our last push is when Syd decided she'd finally fall asleep for more than 10 minutes. We all laughed in that when we could finally see the city we would try to wake her up and she'd just lift up her head for a second...mumble...and pass back out.
That's a kid for ya...
To be continued..........
He hasn't gained since his apointment in June, he's basically just maintained but of course grown some more, he's at 44 inches now and gone up another shoe size since Easter. The doctor also agreed that the diet we have him on is definitely the right one and based on what we have been feeding him agreed that it wasn't the food in the home.
He did write a very pointed letter for the preschool that flat out says he is allowed ONE serving plate for meals and snacks and to keep it low fat/low sugar. It's not that I'm trying to single him out but geez...he doesn't need 3 helpings of mac and cheese and 2 pieces of cake. The child eats so dang quick he doesn't give food a chance to hit his stomach before screaming for more.
He has gotten better in general. For instance we did splurge tonight and had chili dogs. Haven't had something like that in about 6 weeks. He ate two and asked for more. I asked him to be patient and wait until I was finished eating and if he was still hungry he might have an apple. Once I was finished he didn't want food...no fits...no fights...he's starting to understand if he'll give it time the food will hit his belly.
So that's where that is right now.
I know I still need to write up about the "hey we're broke as hell but let's have some fun" trip but quite frankly...it's been busy the last couple of days. Perhaps tomorrow I'll be able to get to at least starting.
We had a blast. Stay tuned for the whole story and tons of pictures, but for now, I'm completely and totally EXHAUSTED.
I'm so excited! Syd and I are going to New Orleans and the gulf shore next week! Yay. Yeah we're all broke so it'll mainly be walking around and checking out the sites but it's going to be so dang fun! Syd's excited to take her camera and snap a ton of photos...and to be honest...that's what I'm excited about!
And I'm alive!
Things lately have been...eh really. Actually, my son is about to drive me totally batty. They both are really, for different reasons. Si's just been...difficult lately. This all started weeks ago, part of me wonders if there's some sort of ptsd involved...I don't know. I'm not a psychologist but there's been a huge behavior shift since the spring.
A lot had been slowly building and then when he came back the last time from his fathers...well since then all hell has broken loose. There's a lot to it but since then he's had major issues with just simply blowing up over everything. He'll be fine one second, you tell him no and the next second he's screaming at the top of his lungs at you over nothing. He's also dealing with major sleep issues that started at the same time as well. He's awake in the middle of the night at least 4 nights a week and probably 6 nights a week he's ending up in my bed. Getting him to go to sleep has been a nightmare as of late. My friend Laura keeps bugging me to come visit...and god knows I want to but the fact that I can't get him to sleep before 11 most nights (and I put him down at 8)...well needless to say I can't get away from the house. With his temper issues as of late taking him anywhere is next to impossible.
Syd's been increasing as well with her issues. She's just at the age where she's pushed out of her mind so much of the stuff that happened in the past and just doesn't understand why I've had to make the stand I have. Now, granted, in the moment when she's scared she wants to get out of there...she doesn't want to be there with him. When she's away...of course she misses her father. She loves him, as she should, he is her father and I would never do anything to stand in the way of that or to ever try to make her feel otherwise. At the same time I can't put she or her brother in situations to where they are frightened or possibly in danger. Of course her rational is "well he doesn't get so mad at ME so why can't I just go by myself?" Yeah...no.
So she's had major attitude lately b/c she's confused, hurt, angry. She's lashed out at me, at Simon (big time), and my mom. She's bucking pretty much everything lately and it's been crazy. I understand her feelings but we've had to have a couple of very long talks as of late.
The good news is that BOTH kids start therapy next week. You know they need it when one says "mom, did you get that appointment yet for the therapist b/c I'd really like to talk about my feelings." Which doesn't bother me because I know that she would like to vent frustrations she has with me/her brother/etc without fear of making someone mad...she is human after all. With Simon...well we need help with his behavior issues as of late. I know there has to be some things that can be implemented to vastly help but I don't know what. I know that what I'm doing isn't working and trust me...I've run the gambit of things to try and dangit...I'm frustrated. I can fully admit that and say "hey, help me figure out what will help...we're both about ready to rip our hair out." I know it's frustrating for him as well and I'd just like to see the return of my sweet funny kiddo and get rid of this "I can't" attitude. I'm so sick of hearing "but I can't" I could scream.
In the meantime I'll keep plugging along. Life is stressful but when is it not?
On the other hand...Syd's got a dance workshop coming up in 2 weeks. Three days of intensive drills. She needs it. Plus, she asked (begged is more like it) to put her name on the list for Oireachtas (regional championships). As far as I've heard she will more than likely make at least one figures team...I got an email from her teacher yesterday saying she was going to try to put everyone down for at least one 4 Hand and try for an 8 Hand. She's really excited and really really wants to do well. She put two and two together and asked..."so what happens if we do well and place high?" I told her that more than likely they'd qualify for World Championships. She asked where that was...next year it's in Scotland...soooo let's just say she has huge amounts of motivation and really wants to go. I won't lie...I would be estatic to "chaperone" her to go to Europe...and if (which is a big IF) it happens, we'll completely be making an event of it. You can bet your ass that Scotland won't be the ONLY stop on the trip.
My mom had a knee replacement surgery two weeks ago. That leaves little room for getting out of the house, with or without kids. Even with going on little outings with the kids, it's difficult because although she's getting around better, she's of course on full crutches. That makes a lot of things very challenging.
She's finally coming off the pain pills and that's a huge relief. My mother is one of those people who you may get one of two personalities while she's all doped up. She may be silly and goofy or she may be completely belligerent. We've dealt with both. The very best is when she insists on the fact that she's either asked you something or told you something...now bear in mind she's looped out of her mind so even thinking she told you she is convinced she did. If you dare say, "sorry, you didn't tell me you wanted a drink." She'll get all pissy and insist that hell yes she sure did. I had to explain to Sydney that it's best not to argue and to simply smile and nod.
This past weekend was a little busy but also very fun overall. Could part of that be the socialization? Possibly. When you're basically confined to one area those walls start closing in pretty quickly.
Friday evening we went to one of my uncle's houses for the big extended family holiday celebration. While it was kind of sad that many many people weren't there...many of the kids in the age group of mine didn't make it and it's always fun for them when those cousins are there.
Myself and one of my cousins had a good time giggling at how it seemed my grandfather was pissing off everyone with his crazy liberal ideals. He was certainly in a political chatty mood and he's never one to shy away from those taboo topics. So there he was in all of his glory going off on the local "redneck media", the insanity of the "tea parties", and how he feels like environmentalists should really be considered heroes.
Saturday, I spent a good chunk of the day preparing food for our family/friend celebration. This year it was on the smaller side but we still managed to have a good time. My eldest brother and his wife came down and it's one of the only times a year we're guarenteed to see them. My good friend Laura came over and beyond that it was just the little clan living here. We had some wonderful food and great conversation.
Unfortunately the rain made it difficult to do much in the way of fireworks last night so we'll probably be setting them off this evening. We did try but about 20 minutes in it went from a light sprinkle to complete deluge in like 30 seconds.
